“Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
June 30, 2009
Look, I’m not homophobic or anything. In fact, I think the gay community generally gets a bad wrap. I mean who really gives a fuck if two men or two women love each other and want to marry? They should have the opportunity to be just as miserable as the 51% of people who end their “sacred” marriages anyway. But I digress. The real reason for this post is to stop the insanity…of women asking me to give their men a kiss. Look, ladies, it ain’t happenin’.
Mrs. Mendel, I’m a big fan of your husband — but not in that way.
Christa, I’ve always enjoyed your dad’s company — but not enough to pucker up and give him a big wet one.
So I’m asking, begging, and pleading, please don’t ask me to kiss anyone who has accompanied me on this trip. It’s eight men. Me kissing anyone in Scotland is not going to happen — no matter how much Scotch or Tennent’s (it’s the Scottish version of Budweiser) I drink.
I’m glad you are reading about our adventures, but there is no Ambiguously Gay Duo here.
Just four married men (Jim, Mark, Steve, and Tom); three men in committed relationships, one who actually respects his girlfriend (Joe), and two who openly treat their girlfriends like second-class citizens (Jake and Chris); and one single guy who (mistakenly) thinks he’s God’s gift to women (Nick). [Quick tangent: Nick is clearly living in an alternate universe because I haven't seen one single female look in his direction this entire time -- not to say he would even want any of them to, though. We're currently on a mission to find at least one attractive female in Scotland. So far it's: Days 3. Good looking Scottish women: 0. We're rapidly running out of time.]
Side note: While there’s no Ambiguously Gay Duo here, there is the Openly Gay Duo of Jake and the Rabbit Who Sucks His Own Balls (see below).
Come to think of it, that might be more bestiality than homosexuality. (I’d like to take this moment to apologize for the sometimes vulgar nature of this blog. Please forgive my forthrightness, as well as my sick and perverted sense of humor. Also, READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.)
Now then, here’s the Bottom Line: The whole point of this post is to let everyone know that these lips are reserved for one Elisa J. Bigner. They will not spend any time near any of the men on this trip. (Conversely, Jake’s lips could spend a little time near my ass if he wants to save some money, since I’ve whooped him so bad on the links this week.)
I guess that’s about it for now. We’re about to grab some dinner (I know it’s 2 back in the states but it’s 7 p.m. here). Hopefully I’ll be able to come back and give a recap of the last two days of action. (Sneak Peek: I was the low man Tuesday; Uncle Steve kicked everyone’s ass Wednesday.) However, if things get a little unruly, I may have to postpone my writing until tomorrow. Then again, people always tell me I’m funnier when I’m drunk, so who knows. Until next time. — Joe